just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
