I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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