Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
