How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have fence marks all over my body
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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