my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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