I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
