I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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