Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
