just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude i'm inner monologue high
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
