It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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