the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
