I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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