A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
