I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Randomize
