Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize