i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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