im six kinds of drunk right now
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
