what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
