I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
