The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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