I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize