This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
