im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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