im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
third nipple confirmed
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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