I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
