hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
