16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
