the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
