And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
