there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
