trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
