god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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