brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
