I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
