omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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