your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize