Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This toilet bowl is my home.
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