My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
