After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My life is pants optional.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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