the condom got lost in my hair
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
