bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
