whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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