Your dad touched me again.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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