i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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