I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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