wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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