Buhtt sex?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
