Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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