Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
