Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize