the condom got lost in my hair
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
