I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
