went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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