Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
