sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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