Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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