I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
