This dress was meant to end up on your floor
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
