He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
