he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
