first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm really busy with my period
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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